i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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