I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I want to be your penis for a week.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
