Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
