And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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