you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
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Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
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I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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