Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
