Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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