guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
