WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
