She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
