I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
