I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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