Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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