So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
