put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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