Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
