U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
