I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
