I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
