Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
