I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
