You just made me feel so damn special
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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