you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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