I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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