My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Pants are for mortals
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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