this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
