I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
