I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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