Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize