i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
