If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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