you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
