Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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