Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
