they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
