you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
