she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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