First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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