the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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