i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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