it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I am one with the molecules
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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