should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
