so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
