Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
The air taste purple.
Randomize
