Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
