He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
