So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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