I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
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I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
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Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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