party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
