god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
