Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
