I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
