just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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