I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
