how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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