I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I was not drunk enough for that final.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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